Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
