the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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