I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
