my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
