All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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