You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I party with great urgency now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
