i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
