i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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