I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
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I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
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That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I deserve this hangover.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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