the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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