as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
