just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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