i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
