he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
