WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
