Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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