Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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