I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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