Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
cat food counts as protein by the way
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
