..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
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If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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