Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
