i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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