Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
