Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
