I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
