It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
