My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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