Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
