I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
