but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
