That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
