I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
