I must be too annoying 4 u.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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