I faked an abortion last night.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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