I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
