I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
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Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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