I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
