Your dad touched me again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.