I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.