why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
