I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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