Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
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tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
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My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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