ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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