Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
