Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
