my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
