Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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