I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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