Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
