i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
