The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
