Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Say something about gay babies.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you had me at cake vodka
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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